This one is from Bent, enjoy…

I did something similar to this for celticsblog.com and it proved
pretty popular, so I thought I would do the same for the upcoming Jets
season. Armed with my crystal ball, astronomical (or is it
astrological) charts, tea leaves, tarot cards and a magic-8 ball, here
is what is ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN during the regular season in 2005.

Disclaimer: I’m not ripping on the Jets, I’m ripping on those who doubt them…

Week 1 – @ KC
The Jets enter the first game of the season excited, especially now
that John Abraham is back. Unfortunately, during the coin toss, the
coins hits him on the foot, causing a “lower-limb contusion” and
rendering him unfit to play. He is listed as questionable for week two.

Not wanting to take too many risks, the Jets don't throw the ball past
the line of scrimmage until the fourth quarter and then Chad Pennington
overthrows his man by thirty yards. “What? I thought you guys would get
excited about that,” he says afterwards.

One bright spot from the Jets opening day loss is rookie punter Ben
Graham, who unveils a series of unique new kicks, including “the drop
punt”, “the corkscrew”, “the torpedo” and “the banana”.

Week 2 – Miami
The resilient Dolphins come to New Jersey and put up a fight, but the
Jets hold them off for their first win of the year. The Jets pass the
ball a lot more in this game, despite the league allowing the aging
Curtis Martin, still tired from last weeks exertion, to be the first
NFL player allowed to use a walking stick.

Ben Graham unveils his latest punt, “the bowling ball”, where he just
boots the ball so it rolls along the ground at the defensive line,
knocking them flying. Whilst not great for field position, this does
cause three injuries, but back-up (and ex-Jet) Tim McGill gets some
playing time as a result and dominates.

Week 3 – Jacksonville
The much improved Jaguars cause the Jets all kinds of problems, but
despite only registering 75 yards of total offense, New York wins 18-17
on six Mike Nugent field goals. The last one, an NFL record 72 yarder
comes immediately after the Jaguars had taken the lead, but then booted
the kickoff out of bounds. The Jets did actually have 55 seconds to
advance the ball closer, but Herm Edwards said “you can never be too
careful with clock management”. Needless to say, the Jets defense has
to prevent a last ditch drive by the Jaguars.

Ben Graham unveils his latest punt, “the Pele” where he throws the ball
up in the air and does a soccer-style overhead kick. Not great for
accuracy, but he certainly did look cool.

Week 4 – @ Baltimore
A tough game on the road against one of the league's best defenses. The
Jets play relatively well, but fall just short of a victory. Pennington
is starting to get it.

Ben Graham unveils his latest punt, “the tumbleweed”, which he kicks so
that it rolls slowly along the ground. The Ravens wise up to this after
the first few times and have a guy ready to field it at the line of
scrimmage. Graham decides to revert back to “the banana” for a few
weeks.

Week 5 – Tampa Bay
The Jets offense struggles mightily all day, because their play-calling
is mind-numbingly predictable and Doug Jolley drops eleven passes. Just
before the start of the fourth quarter, the Jets realise that not only
has Bucs QB coach Paul Hackett kidnapped Mike Heimerdinger and
disguised himself as him so that he can call all the plays, but Anthony
Becht has also kidnapped Jolley and stolen his uniform. Apparently, in
order to get to Heimerdinger, Hackett had to first disguise himself as
the opera singer who sung the National Anthem. This is confirmed when
“Heimerdinger” is unmasked and a fan calls out “Hey, it's Enrico
Palazzo!”

With Heimerdinger back in charge, the Jets mount a spectacular comeback
and go on to win in overtime. Nugent nails the game winner from 97
yards after the kickoff goes into the endzone for a touchback. “That
would have been good from 99,” exclaims Paul Maguire. “Are you kidding
me?” exclaims Dan Patrick. It turns out he and Danica are not the same
person after all, by the way.

Week 6 – @ Buffalo
The Jets are glad not to have to travel to Buffalo during the winter
months. Unfortunately, this turns out to be the coldest October day in
history. The Jets offense never warms up, despite the league's decision
to allow the aging Curtis Martin to be the first NFL player allowed to
carry an electric blanket. This costs the Jets a touchdown when
Laveraneus Coles trips over the extension lead and the Jets fall to 3-3
on the year.

John Abraham has recovered from his leg injury, but states at a
pre-game press conference that he will be out another week due to
vertigo. He says this was brought on by the fact that he has been
thrown off balance by the fact that since the Jets waived Donnie
Abraham, John only has to wear “ABRAHAM” on his back and not “J.
ABRAHAM”. When it is pointed out to him that he also changed his
number, Abraham said “Make that two weeks” and then fainted.

Week 7 – @ Atlanta
Monday Night Football sees the Jets put in their best performance of
the season so far as they comfortably see off the Falcons on the road.
John Madden still puts Michael Vick on the horse trailer, though.

Ben Graham unveils his latest punt, “the Chinese ninja death star”,
which spins horizontally and is kicked with such force that the Falcons
punt returner’s hands are chopped off at the wrist. Anthony Becht is
rumoured to be interested in bidding for them on e-bay.

Week 8 – BYE WEEK
John Abraham pronounces himself fully fit at last. Unfortunately, the 4-3 Jets have no game.

Week 9 – San Diego
Nate Kaeding gets a hero's welcome, similar to the one Mariano Rivera
got at Fenway at the start of the year. The Chargers, who many pundits
thought would regress during the season, come in to the Meadowlands
riding a five game winning streak.

Kevin Mawae suffers another broken hand, just like last year, but stays
in the game to snap left handed. This inspires the Jets to a blowout
win and a 5-3 record. They don't even have to punt once. Ben Graham is
bored, so he plays the second half at wide-receiver. Herm Edwards
wisely resists Graham's requests to let him play quarterback, despite
the fact that Graham has apparently invented some new style passes.
(“Uncatchable” is rarely a positive trait for a forward pass.)

John Abraham finally returns from his injuries and is absolutely
awesome. This gives the Jets (who had pretty much given up on the
possibility of signing him to a long-term contract because he is so
prone to injury) another potential off-season headache.

Week 10 – @ Carolina
Kevin Mawae breaks his left hand as well, so starts snapping the
football with his teeth. The Jets have to modify his helmet so that the
facemask swings out of the way like a catcher's mask to enable this to
be possible.

The Jets are again inspired, and put up a good fight against the team
with the NFC's best record, but they unfortunately are unable to get
the win.

Ben Graham unveils his latest punt, “the bend-it-like-Beckham”. Only a
true punting connoisseur can tell the difference between this and “the
banana”.

Week 11 – @ Denver
The 5-4 Jets travel to Denver, who had been struggling all season and
then just suddenly started to play really well the week before they
were due to face the Jets.

A battle of two of the league’s best ground games ensues and the
despite the NFL agreeing that the aging Curtis Martin could bring his
zimmer frame onto the field, the Broncos get the better of a low
scoring affair. The Jets drop to 5-5 and fall two games behind the
division leading Patriots.

Ben Graham, meanwhile, seems to have run out of ideas, although he says
after the game that he and Paul Westhoff have been working on
something. Westhoff rejected his latest creation, “the boomerang”, for
obvious reasons.

Week 12 – New Orleans
America’s Team, still in playoff contention, travel to Giants Stadium
for the second time this season. The Jets need a win and they get it,
sparked by an awesome John Abraham-led defense that continues to
impress.

Ben Graham unveils his newest punt, “the jumping bean”, which hops
about all over the place after it bounces. The last twenty five seconds
of the second quarter expire on his first “jumping bean”, as it takes
that long for the punt coverage team to actually down the ball.

Week 13 – @ New England
The Jets travel to the Gillette stadium and pull out an upset win to
keep their divisional title hopes alive. Jay Fiedler fills in admirably
for Chad Pennington, who apparently was stuck at home because his arm
is so weak, he couldn’t open the front door.

Ben Graham debuts his latest punt creation “the cannonball”, which
simply doesn’t bounce. He lands three cannonballs right on the one-yard
line and the ball just stops there. The Jets make the most of the
advantage in field position and also the fact that, due to injuries in
the secondary, the Patriots defensive backfield is made up of Troy
Brown, Tom Brady, Bill Bellichik and a newly-signed Reggie Tongue.
Mousey gets burned for two scores and trampled over for another. The
other three DB’s actually play well.

Week 14 – Oakland
The Oakland running game has as much success as anybody have against
the Jets all season as Jets fans continue to “Lament” Jordan. However,
Randy Moss not bothering to turn up for the second half and several
unsportsmanlike conduct penalties keep the Jets in the game and they
win thanks to some late game heroics from Pennington. The Jets go to
8-5, one game behind the Patriots.

Ben Graham’s latest punt creation, “the pneumatic drill” is highly
effective, as anyone who catches it is literally driven into the turf.
After a particularly well-hit third quarter effort, it takes five
minutes to dig out Doug Gabriel with a spade. A British tabloid
newspaper shows the picture of the rescue effort (which was led by Jets
DT Sione Pouha) with the headline “Dug Gabriel”.

Week 15 – @ Miami
Looking to improve their receiving game, Jets receiving coach, Pep
Hamilton, decides to implement a coaching technique that the Lions were
using in preseason, by getting his receivers to practice by catching
bricks. Since they are in Miami, Hamilton brings in Antoine Walker to
assist with this process.

It proves to be highly successful, as Pennington completes all of his
20 first half pass attempts. Jay Fielder and Brooks Bollinger each
perform well in a quarter of relief as Pennington gets some well-earned
rest. Unfortunately, his arm strength is so weak that he struggles to
hold the clipboard, but fortunately Ben Graham (who obviously gets a
night off from punting) fills that role admirably.

Week 16 – New England
The Jets overcome the NFL’s decision not to allow the aging Curtis
Martin to use an electric wheelchair and manage to overcome the
challenge of the Patriots on boxing day. Martin is rested, but the Jets
platoon Derrick Blaylock, Cedric Houston and B.J. Askew to devastating
effect. The Jets control the ball for over 40 minutes and Mike Nugent
out-kicks Adam Vinatieri in a 12-6 Jets win in the snow. The Jets move
into a first place tie with the Patriots at 9-5 and have the
tie-breaker, so a win next week guarantees them the division crown.

Ben Graham unveils his latest punt, “the blimp”, which floats in mid-air and circles the stadium three times before landing.

Week 17 – Buffalo
Chad Pennington throws the ball with accuracy and distance all game
long, a fresh Curtis Martin plays like a 25-year old, a healthy John
Abraham is dominant, the offensive co-ordinator calls all the right
plays, Nugent makes all the kicks and Herm manages the clock perfectly,
as the Jets see off the Bills to win the division.

Ben Graham’s final creation of the season, “the satellite”, causes
confusion when he actually kicks it into orbit with five minutes to go.
The Jets argue that the clock should keep running because the ball
hasn’t actually landed out of bounds yet, but a phone call to Paul
Tagliabue confirms that the clock should stop when the ball leaves the
stratosphere. The Defense holds out though, and the Jets head off to
the playoffs with a first-round bye.

Rich Cimini writes a column about how the Jets never deserved to win
the division, won’t win it next year and are going to struggle in the
playoffs. Some things never change.

The playoffs? Well…I don’t want to ruin the surprise!

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