Bent's Crystal Ball (2)
Welcome to Bent's Crystal Ball. This is where you find out in advance what is actually going to happen in the upcoming season. This could factor into whether you want to shell out for the NFL Network this fall. Last year, my predictions were incredibly accurate as I got the results of five of the first six games correct. OK, so some of the details were a bit off. Let's see what's going to happen this year…
Week 1: Jets at Titans
Vince Young, who has been touted as the NFL's version of Michael Jordan, makes his debut in the season opener against the Jets. He lives up to all the hype in the first half by cheating on his wife, racking up a seven-figure gambling debt and making a questionable draft pick. After a quiet first three quarters, Young leads the Titans to victory as the officials penalise (sic) the Jets defense every time he touches the ball in the fourth quarter. Shaun Ellis becomes the first player to foul out of an NFL game.
Week 2: Pats at Jets
The Jets and Patriots battle to a complete Stalemate in the Jets home opener. Bellichik and Mangini know each other's schemes so well that neither team is able to register a first down. The Jets win the field position battle, largely because of the stellar punting of Ben Graham and eventually win the game 2-0 when the Patriots punting unit snaps the ball out of the end zone for a fourth quarter safety.
Week 3: Jets at Bills
The 1-1 Jets, looking for their first regular season road victory in almost two years, go into the second half leading by six. An exclusive half time report from Bonnie Bernstein reveals that Pennington has injured his shoulder and will not return. Everyone is shocked to then see Chad under center in the third quarter, at which point Bernstein reveals that it was actually Bills lineman Terrence Pennington that was hurt. The network avoids the ire of gamblers all over the world as the Jets lose the game anyway. Buffalo scores the winning touchdown as Lee Evans is completely uncovered in the end zone. It turns out that David Barrett was too busy running a lap because he had missed an assignment on the previous play.
Week 4: Colts at Jets
Eric Mangini tries to fool Peyton Manning into choking by making him believe this is a postseason game. The attention to detail is incredible, right down to the special playoff banners on the sideline, fake snow and several fans in the crowd being dressed in Santa Claus costumes. The plan is working well until someone points out to Manning that he is playing against the Jets, at which point it for some reason started to feel a lot less like a post-season encounter. The Jets fall to 1-3 and already the media is calling for Mangini's head on a platter.
Week 5: Jets at Jags
An inspired Chad Pennington, determined to defeat the team against which he suffered a season ending injury last year, has one of his best performances ever. The Jets win, despite being completely confused by the Jaguars craftily getting their fans to be silent and not pumping out any loud music while the Jets are trying to drive downfield.
Week 6: Fins at Jets
Ken O'Brien is a special guest on the Jets sideline as the Jets look back to the classic shoot-out with the Dolphins 20 years ago. Mangini sends him on a lap because he talks to a member of the media. On the field, a dogged display by the Jets brings their record even at 3-3. Derrick Blaylock scores the winning touchdown on a run up the middle through a huge hole caused by the fact that Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas are too busy beating each other up.
Week 7: Lions at Jets
Knicks GM Isiah Thomas turns up at the game, hoping to meet Matt Millen, because he has never encountered a GM more inept than himself. The meeting does not go well, as he ends up trading Channing Frye for Jon McGraw. This ultimately works out quite well for Thomas, as McGraw goes on to lead the Knicks in assists. On the field, the Jets move above .500 for the first time this season, with a convincing win. Meanwhile, Ken O'Brien finishes his lap.
Week 8: Jets at Browns
Eric Mangini finally announces who the Jets starting quarterback is. Despite this, the Jets move to 4-4 with a disappointing loss. Drew Carey, celebrating his hometown's victory on the field at the end of the game, gets nailed by Anthony Schlegel. Asked for an explanation afterwards, Schlegel says “what did you expect? I told you I enjoyed hunting bores.” The game is interrupted by the announcement that the Mets have just won game seven of the world series (hopefully).
Week 9: Bye
Doug Jolley doesn't drop any catches, Justin Miller doesn't fumble any punts, Mike Nugent doesn't have any kicks that fall ten yards short of the endzone and nobody burns David Barrett for a touchdown. Jets fans everywhere rejoice!
Week 10: Jets at Pats
Bellichik proves that “I might have taught Mangini everything he knows, but I didn't teach him everything I knew” and the Patriots destroy the Jets by thirty-five points. Rookie Kellen Clemens sees his first action of the season and lives up to the Clemens family name by displaying a great arm. He also lives up to the name by throwing a bat at one of the opposing team's star players and announcing his retirement only to return to the game immediately.
Week 11: Bears at Jets
Bassett tries to get in to watch the game, but the Jets staff recognise him and refuse to let him in because every time he goes to a game, everyone gets injured. When the game starts, Pennington gets injured anyway, as does Clemens and the staff realise that it's nothing to do with Bassett and that Jets players are always getting injured anyway. They let him in just in time to see Patrick Ramsey engineer an improbable fourth quarter comeback as the Jets move to 5-5 on the year. “I have ice-water in my veins” says Ramsey.
Week 12: Texans at Jets
In a nail-biter at Giants Stadium, the Jets are in a position to win late until Patrick Ramsey misunderstand's Brian Schottenheimer's play calling. Instead of passing to a wide open running back in the flat, Ramsey just lobs the ball to one of the Texans linemen who rumbles 70 yards for the clinching score. “He told me to pass it to Houston” says Ramsey after the game. Schottenheimer makes a note not to ask Ramsey to pass the ball to Leon Washington if they ever meet the Redskins.
Week 13: Jets at Packers
In freezing cold conditions at Lambeau field, the Jets fall to 5-7 on the year as Mike Nugent is penalised every time the Jets kick off because he can't get the ball to go ten yards. Even Ben Graham is held to only 50 yards per punt on the day. Patrick Ramsey catches hypothermia on account of the ice water in his veins. Brad Smith has to take over at quarterback.
Week 14: Bills at Jets
The Jets keep their fading playoff hopes alive with an comfortable win over the Bills. With Adrian Jones injuring himself during training in the week, the Jets look set to start Anthony Clement at right tackle, but then surprisingly give the start to Nick Mangold's sister instead. The blonde long-haired beauty plays well, as does his sister. With the Jets looking to rest Brad Smith, Clement eventually gets into the game at quarterback due to a typo on the Jets media guide listing Clement as the third string quarterback.
Week 15: Jets at Vikes
The Jets win again and still have a chance to make the postseason with wins in each of their last two games. Something to do with a boat or a whizzanator happens, with hilarious consequences. Brad Smith gets injured and the Jets, realising that Clement is not a viable option, turn to former high school quarterbacks Doug Jolley, Mike Nugent and Kerry Rhodes in a platoon. Eric Mangini insists it's a three way competition.
Week 16: Jets at Fins
The Jets win again, but other results mean that they are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. The media calls for Mangini's head on a platter.
Week 17: Raiders at Jets
I turn up to my first ever Jets game and it means nothing. Go figure. The Jets increase the price of trading up for Adrian Peterson next year by winning in convincing fashion. The team attribute their success in this game to the pre-season training camp at the Meadowlands, which prepared them perfectly for playing in front of 6,000 fans.
