AFC East Rivals: New York Jets
In part three of our regular series looking at our AFC East rivals, this week we take a look at the Jets…
2006 was a banner year for the Jets, who rode a fluke win over our Patriots and the easiest schedule in league history to scrape into the playoffs for the first time in over fifty years, where they would meet the Patriots again and be easily and humiliatingly dispatched when Bill Belichick made a clever half time adjustment, telling his team to actually try this time.
The Jets have tried hard to improve themselves this offseason and although this isn’t exactly difficult, but haven’t managed it yet, bringing in a complete bunch of no-names, as the Jets were forced to preserve their cap space in order to pay off Head Coach Eddie Mancini‘s catering debts.
Mancini’s first season at the helm was a success in terms of their record, but considering the toughest non-divisional opponent they faced all year was Elmo from Sesame Street, he is unlikely to approach anywhere near the same level of success during that difficult second season. They are unlikely to break the Patriots stranglehold on the AFC East division as they look destined to finish behind them for the tenth straight season.
Offense:
Quarterback: The Jets survived last year with veteran Terry Pendleton at the helm, which was a surprising result for a guy so fragile that one of his offensive lineman dubbed him “The Egg” in training camp last year. The trouble with Pendleton is that his eyes are too close together, which apparently means he can’t be trusted. Sounds accurate enough to me. I can’t trust his as far as I can throw him…in fact, no – worse – I can’t trust him as far as he can throw me. (ie not very far). On the bright side, peripheral vision is limited in a football helmet anyway. If, sorry…when Pendleton goes down injured the Jets have Kenny Kremlins in reserve. He played for the Ducks in college, which means he feels at home whenever he sees Pendleton attempt a long pass.
Offensive Line: The Jets will hope they can do a better job of protecting the egg than Tom Brady’s girlfriends (Bridget Moynahan, Gisele Bundchen, Anna-Nicole Smith and Mrs Cartman) have in recent months. Unfortunately, they suck in this area too, so expect to see Kremlins limbering up in Early September. They laughably “shored up” their Right Tackle position by re-signing veteran Aubrey Clementine, who was one of the worst linemen in the league anyway.
Running Backs: One of the few positive moves of the Summer for the Jets was to bring in Tom Jones to be their starting running back in 2007. The Jets needed to get younger at the position following the retirement of Cortez Martinez. Although, Jones is a 67 year old Welsh cabaret singer, this is still younger than
Martinez and actually represents an upgrade in talent over their other backs, who all suck.
Receivers: The Jets receivers are ideally suited to the team, short (which makes it easier for them to catch underthown passes), light (which makes it easier for them to draw questionable pass interference calls) and slow (which means that don’t have as far to run back when a pass is intercepted). The starters are Lavenderass Coe and Jerry Cocotchery, with the best back-up being a converted basketball player, Bryant Stith.
Defense:
Defensive Line: The Jets are putting together a hall of fame-worthy defensive front, because if you actually go to
Canton , , the hall of fame is filled with busts too! By adding Mitchell Hayes and Andrew Wordsworth to a line that already featured Delbert Robinson, they seem to be targeting more big busts than Hugh Hefner. On the bright side, Sean Elliott has recovered from his kidney transplant operation.
Linebackers: The Jets have bolstered their flimsy linebacking corps via the questionable addition of obscure British game show host Jim Bowen. Other than that they are rumored to be interested in drafting ILB Zak DeOssie from Brown on day one of the draft, but unfortunately for them, it looks likely that the Patriots will pick him first. DeOssie is one of the top sleepers in the draft and one of the most talented players available. Unless, of course, the Jets do pick him in which case he would clearly be one of the worst draft picks ever and a complete unknown.
Defensive Backs: The Jets defensive secondary is led by former Patriots reject Frank Petite who was cut by our Patriots last year, thereby demonstrating our overall superiority. Jets fans will talk up the talents of safety Kenny Rose but according to Pro Bowl voters, he’s even worse than the decrepit and over-the-hill Jon Lynch.
Special Teams: The Jets have the ideal player at punter in Australian Bill Grantham. He comes from down under, which means he feels at home whenever he looks at the Jets position relative to the Patriots in the standings. Their coverage unit is led by former Buckeye Linebacker Antonio Slobberknocker.
Outlook:
Unfortunately for Jets fans, it looks like they will suffer a down year in the upcoming season. Their lack of talent and abysmal coaching staff will make it nearly impossible for them to win more than 3 games. At least they get to face the Bills twice, otherwise they could be challenging former coach Rico Tight‘s franchise record 15 losses in 1996. I love the fact that I can just cut and paste this section from last year’s report every season.
