Once again, it’s time for me to precap the season, so you don’t have to. Disclaimer: thejetsblog.com accepts no liability in respect of gambling losses caused by the belief that any of this will actually happen…

Week 1 – Versus New England

It doesn’t take long for these two great rivals from last year to rekindle their feud as they meet for the fourth time in less than a year.

As with any prolonged feud that the powers that be wish to extend for ratings purposes, an indecisive finish is inevitable. Therefore, it is no surprise to anyone when, after a back-and-forth struggle, the game ends in a rare tie.

There is further intrigue over how the meeting of the two head coaches at midfield will play out after the game. Another wet-fish handshake of doom? Over-the-top man hug? Belli-to-Belly suplex? In the end, the two coaches, both extremely satisfied with the tie, charge towards each other for a unexpectedly playful chest bump. Unfortunately, given the size of the two chests involved, this causes a seismic shift and the resultant reverberations cause a big crater to open up on the 45 yard line.

Luckily, quick thinking Jets DE Kimo Von Oelhoeffen averts the risk of any of his teammates falling into the crater and injuring themselves by grabbing Lawrence Maroney and using him to plug the gap in the field. Mangini praises Kimo in the post-game press conference, saying that it was the first time he’d stuffed a runner in the hole since he arrived there.

Week 2 – At Baltimore

“It’s a war out there, and the soldiers are our own children” – Eric Mangini.

The winless (and yet undefeated) Jets head out on the road to face the Ravens in week two.

Baltimore had prepared for the game with a tape of the last time they faced the Jets (Brooks Bollinger’s first career start). This backfires, as the Jets are unexpectedly able to fool them with crafty moves like “the forward pass” and “not having a quarterback who looks like he just quantum leaped into the game and has no idea what’s going on”.

As the Jets offense takes over in the fourth, Chad Pennington is denied a career best fifth touchdown pass on third and goal when his throw to the corner is broken up by some teenage kids that were selling drugs there.

Week 3 – Versus Miami

The Jets aim to get their first home win of the year against the rival Dolphins. Things get off to a bad start as Ted Ginn silences the Jets fans with a diving TD catch in the first quarter. Unfortunately for Miami, he breaks his wrist when Chris Chambers gives him a high five.

Meanwhile, new Dolphins guard Pete “Kendally McBeal: Clubhouse Lawyer” Kendall continues to struggle as his pass protection has reverted back to the standard he set in 2005. Most Dolphins fans agree that despite Ginn’s injury it is probably just as well they didn’t draft Brady Quinn because he would have been little more than a $50m piñata.

Week 4 – At Buffalo

Jets lose their first of the year, 17-16 in a tough fought battle which Kerry Rhodes and Shaun Ellis describe as “a dogfight” and Jonathan Vilma describes as “a horserace”.

Willis McGahee rushes for over a hundred yards even though he no longer plays for the Bills.

Week 5 – “At” New York

New York wins. Book it. Easiest prediction ever.

Gregg “TMQ” Easterbrook makes loads of Jersey/A v Jersey/B jokes in his column. Nobody cares. Actually, that was an even easier prediction.

There is a twenty minute delay in the third quarter when the diminutive Leon Washington runs up the middle, but gets stuck in the gap in Strahan’s teeth. He has to be cut free by Fireman Ed and several of his buddies.

Jeremy Shockey celebrates the last-second winning field goal by climbing on Plaxico Burress’ back and enthusiastically slapping him on the backside only to realise a few seconds later that it was the Jets who scored it. They both shrug and continue anyway.

Week 6 – Versus Philadelphia

As usual when these teams meet, most of the starters are rested because the teams don’t want them to get injured for the following week’s game. Brad Smith quarterbacks the Jets to victory in the fourth quarter as Ken-Yon Rambo, Jovon Witherspoon and Matt Dominguez (all of whom were brought in specially for the game) each catch a touchdown pass.

On the bright side, Kevin Kolb passes for 110 yards to eclipse every Eagles fan’s expectations for the season when he was drafted and Anthony Schlegel sets a career high with two tackles.

Week 7 – At Cincinnati

The Jets head to the NFL’s unofficial home of crime for their clash with the Bengals, who have decided to cut out the middle man and host all their home games at the local jail. Chad Johnson decides against proposing to any of the inmate cheerleaders after a first quarter score.

In an attempt to make the Bengals defense feel more at home, their gameplans refer to the Jets starting quarterback as “Chad Penitentiary”.

Chris Henry is held without a catch by the lockdown coverage of Jets rookie Darrelle Revis, who Henry describes as “like a second tagging device”. Coincidentally, “lockdown coverage” is the name of the “where are they now?” page on the Bengals website.

The Jets take control in the fourth quarter when the Bengals have to punt after a bizarre third and short play where Rudi Johnson took the handoff and ran off the field, through the tunnel and into a cramped, darkened room and sat alone, bouncing the ball against the wall. “Coach told me to hit the hole,” he explained later.

They receive a further boost when defensive end Justin Smith, who had been causing havoc all day has to leave the game injured after the D’Brickashaw Ferguson leaves him completely unblocked, enabling Chad Pennington to fire a pass directly at his groin. (Well, Brick says it was deliberately anyway). The Jets go on to win by ten.

In the postgame press conference, Jonathan Vilma blasts Chad Johnson for his disgusting and cruel offseason activities, where he had raced against a horse. The ultimate crime.

Week 8 – Versus Buffalo

As the Bills come to town, the streaking Jets honour (sic) their past by wearing their old Titans throwback uniforms. They also decide to run around at double speed and with chaotic piano music in the background as the game is broadcast in black and white. It’s a flawless gameplan, leading to a Jets blowout win with Brad Smith rushing for four touchdowns out of the flying wedge.

Marv Levy sheds a tear as it reminds him of when he first started coaching the Bills…then sheds another tear as he realises that his team sucks.

Week 9 – Versus Washington

The Jets host the Redskins looking for their fifth win in a row and a share of the division lead.

We hear the words “Touchdown Washington” eight times in this game, but luckily for the Jets, four of those times are after Leon Washington gets in the endzone and the Jets win 31-28.

The Jets breathe a sigh of relief for not having traded Jonathan Vilma to the Skins for Ladell Betts in the offseason after it emerges that (a) Ladell Betts sucks, (b) Jonathan Vilma is pretty good and (c) Brad Kassell, who would have replaced Vilma at the MIKE position, sucks. Meanwhile, Daniel Snyder gets to work on a trade package involving their 2008 first round pick and Brad Kassell.

Week 11 – Versus Pittsburgh

The Jets host the Steelers after an enjoyable week off, with their season looking in pretty good shape.

There’s a dangerous moment in the second quarter, as Ben Roethlisberger forgets to wear his helmet on one play coming out of a timeout. Fortunately for the Steelers, the play involves an uncontested Justin Miller blitz, so Big Ben survives unscathed. Meanwhile, Willie Parker, who was standing five yards away from Roethlisberger gets wiped out by Miller and misses the entire second half.

The Steelers earn a hard fought win and as they meet at midfield, Bill Cowher controversially puts Mangini in the Cobra Clutch. The genesis of a new ongoing feud, perhaps?

Week 12 – At Dallas (on Thanksgiving)

Heading to Texas for this traditional Thursday afternoon clash, the Jets lose after an uncharacteristically unfocused performance. Mangini evidently has his mind on other things, as can be gleaned from his comments in the postgame press conference:

“Today was a disappointing result. We knew it would be a turkey, umm tricky game but we didn’t expect to get such a stuffing. We thought we had turned the corn after the loss in Buffalo wings, and I would have expect us to of roast to the occasion. A few of the guys are a bit sauce, especially Hank Potato, but we should have enough depth to get pie.”

Week 13 – At Miami

The Jets head off to Miami, looking to get back on track and encounter a raucous home crowd.

Marking Ted Ginn’s return from his broken wrist earlier in the year, the Dolphins set up a big paper logo for the team to run through after the pre-game introductions, but unfortunately Ginn leads the team out and suffers broken ribs and a concussion.

The Jets capitalise (sic) to win big. The reason for the winner of the game receiving a DVD of a schmaltzy Tom Hanks movie from the eighties is unexplained.

Week 14 – Versus Cleveland

The Jets finally get to face Brady Quinn as they host the struggling Browns and look to keep their momentum going.

Chris Baker makes five touchdown catches, which would have been a Jets record, but they are all overturned for such reasons as “never having control of the ball” (despite the fact that he caught the pass, ran into the endzone, celebrated with his teammates, did a silly dance and then spiked the ball) “illegal use of oxygen”, “gravity interference”, “roughing the pigskin by not having perfectly manicured fingers” and “playing for an ineligible franchise to ever get a freakin’ call go his way”.

The Jets have to settle for five field goals instead and wind up losers 17-15.

Week 15 – At New England

The feud is renewed once again, but this match-up serves as little more than a pre-cursor to the inevitable Pay Per View playoff matchup, where the plucky and heroic young Jets will finally get a chance to dethrone the wily, every-trick-in-the-book, veteran champions in a no-holds barred payoff match, which rumour (sic) has it, may be contested in a steel cage.

On this day, the Patriots make use of their home-field advantage as the officials turn a blind eye to Brandon Meriweather indiscriminately stamping on fallen Jets after every play, Tedy Bruschi forcing a turnover by spitting green mist into Chad Pennington’s eyes, Vince Wilfork knocking Thomas Jones out with a Gatorade bucket to the back of the head and a controversial low blow by Tom Brady.

Despite all this, the Jets overcome the odds and “win” on a late Thomas Jones one yard plunge only for Ed Hochuli to announce he’s disallowing it “due to the tuck rule” and then as the teams leave the field, he reveals a Pats shirt underneath his official’s jersey. He later reveals in a heated promo that Jones needed to be taught a lesson because no-one is allowed to show off their biceps without first paying tribute to Hochuli’s magnificent “guns”.

Despite the loss, the 8-5-1 Jets clinch at least a wildcard spot.

Week 16 – At Tennessee

In a true clash of the Titans (and the former Titans) the chillin’-out-maxing-relaxing-all-cool Jets, safe in the knowledge that their wildcard position is secure, take the opportunity to give some reps to their reserve players and some rest to their banged up starters. Anthony Schlegel ties a career-high with zero sacks.

Trust me, I had a ton of material based largely around Vince Young’s dumbness, but let’s face it, since he’s on the cover of Madden this year, he’ll probably not still be around for this game.

Despite Young’s absence, the Titans win when Nashville’s finest, The Honky-Tonk Man races onto the field and smashes a guitar over Chad Pennington’s head, causing the game clinching fumble and proving that he would have been well worth a late-round draft pick all along.

Week 17 – Versus Kansas City

The Jets come into the game worryingly having lost three straight and five of six. However, they are confident having only lost 2 of their 8 games at Giants Stadium this season. They face off against former head coach Herm Edwards who had turned down lucrative one week contract offers from eight different teams based on his luck-infested week seventeen history and decided to stay with the Chiefs.

It’s Wayne Chrebet night at Giants Stadium. The Jets agree to let his Mom be Defensive Co-ordinator for the day and they shut the Chiefs down as they run up the middle with Larry Johnson on first and second down and then pass to Tony Gonzalez a yard short of the marker on every third down.

Actually, who am I kidding? LJ will be in pieces by now. Let’s say the Chiefs bring back aged veteran Christian “Nigerian “Pirate Master” Nightmare” Okoye instead. That sounds like a Herm-esque move.

The Chiefs punter sets a record with over 500yds of punt yardage, but Ben Graham almost matches it despite only having to punt 7 times in the Jets 13-0 win.

Somehow, every other team in the AFC loses, and those playing against each other tie enabling Herm’s Chiefs to still make the playoffs despite their 5-11 record.

That’s your 2007 season…as ever, I won’t predict the postseason because I don’t want to tempt fate.

Bent’s Crystal Ball from the archives: 2006, 2005

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