The Thursday Top 10: Crank Up the Projector
As many of you know, under Bent’s guidance, we annually have a little contest here at TJB where everyone is invited to guess who the Jets will actually draft. Not surprisingly, I have failed miserably in this task. But not this year! This year: I. WILL. WIN!
Trying to emulate the front office of the Jets so I can get inside their heads, I have stayed up late nights, crunching numbers, watching hours of game film and eating nothing apple pie and ice cream. I have scoured every possible venue for player ideas, turned over every stone and looked in unconventional places for who the Jets might just take. I have done due diligence, diligently done dues, done dig dug, dug with Dirk Diggler, diggled uh …. uh …hahhahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
It’s DRAFT MADNESS!!
Man, Saturday can’t come fast enough . . .
The Top 10 New York Jets Draft Pick Projections
10. Mick Foley – A local Long Island boy, Foley has the size — 6’2, 297 pounds — to be an offensive lineman; his wrestling skills would make me think guard as he’s comfortable mixing it up in the middle of the scrum. With his multiple wrestling personalities (Cactus Jack, Mankind, Dude Love, etc.), however, he’s proven to be versatile, a Jets core value. Having wrestled while on fire, with tacks stuck in him or after falling off the top of a 16-foot steel cage through the Spanish announce table, he’s also obviously a gamer. And how great would it be to see him slap the mandible claw on Richard Seymour? Have a nice day!
9. Joba Chamberlain – The Hankees can’t decide whether to make him a reliever or a starter, so I say make him a quarterback! He’s got decent size 6’2, 230, and a cannon arm, which will come in useful for zipping passes through the winds of the blustery Meadowlands. Do we need new rules, though?
8. Tony Stark – Seriously, what would be better at defensive back than a guy who can fly (literally) and repulsor rays to break up passes? Plus, he’s got his own theme song [slightly modified] –
Tony Stark makes you feel
He’s a cool exec with a heart of steel.
As Iron Man, [he sets the] Jets ablaze,
He fights and tackles with repulsor rays!
A blaze of power! Iron Man!
Amazing armor! Iron Man!
Just need to change the color scheme of that armor to green and white, that’s all …
7. Sean Avery – With his ability to get inside the heads of opponents, shadow key players and make big plays, Avery would make a fine defensive back. Not one to shy away from the big hit and definitely one who welcomes contact, you’d have to figure he’d do well with jamming receivers at the line of scrimmage. Plus, you know he’d be popular with The Flight Crew.
6. Dwight K. Shrute – Displays beet farm-boy strength, and at 6’3, has ideal size for an inside linebacker. Shows great tenacity, if not intelligence. Espouses many of the Jets core values, especially loyalty, which he displays to the point of stupidity. Also fitting the Jets’ outside-the-box Teddy Atlas-inspired training, he is a martial arts threat, holding a purple belt.
5. Lindsay Lohan – Another local Long Island product who is comfortable being center stage while the big play (or movie) unfolds. Used to be more of a tight end but has, uh, slipped into being a wide receiver. Also, there are some character concerns — and I don’t mean what role she’s going to play, either. Still is a threat to go . . . all . . . the . . . way.
4. Kevin Garnett – Following in the footsteps of Antonio Gates (and to a lesser degree Tony Gonzalez), the Jets tried the experiment themselves in 2007. Remember Jesse Pellot-Rosa? No, neither did I really, but I realize what the problem was — not the idea of converting a college basketball player to receiver, but finding the right player. Well, why not go right to the top of the NBA? Garnett has some of the best hands in the NBA, and at 6’11, will make a great red zone target. He could also play both sports — aside from Bent, who watches the first half of the NBA season anyway? Garnett could play from September to January, take a month off, and still make it back to the Celtics in time for the playoffs. Win all around!
3. Bullwinkle J. Moose – A quarterback who put up big numbers at small school Wossamotta U in Minnesota while on scholarship under Coach Canute, he is a magician on the gridiron (“Nothing up my sleeve … PRESTO!”) having pulled incredible victories out of his hat, including once overcoming a 500-1 deficit against the Mud City Manglers. May not score high enough on the Wonderlic for the Jets front office, but definitely has the integrity they desire, often having to stand up to the bad guys.
2. Brandon Flowers – Just to break up what is otherwise a “legitimate” list, I thought I might throw this guy in here. According to his Rookiepedia profile, the hard-hitting Virginia cornerback has good closing speed and is a relentless player. He has some questions about his size (5’10, 190) and his speed (4.55 40 time), but Mike Mayock compares him to Ronde Barber, which would make for a nice complement alongside Darrelle Revis. Still, no Iron Man, but I guess he might be okay.
1. D. Rose – Hey, when Eric Barton leaves, someone has to wear the #50 jersey, right? It’s not like they can put those things on anybody.
Oh, and Manheim Steamroller to Manchester United in the 8th round!
4 Responses to The Thursday Top 10: Crank Up the Projector
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Jonathan says:
Amy Fisher:
-Like Ben & Jerry, Lohan, and Debbie Gibson, the pride of Merrick, Long Island (my hometown).
-Homewrecker, can take down burly Italian men twice her size with ease, hardened by prison, may get flagged for shots to the head. -
al says:
Best Top 10, by far. I busted out laughing reading about La Lohan.
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R_in_CT
You are nuts! Especially loved the Bullwinkle J. Moose profile. It’s great to have some fun with the draft. My head is spinning from all the (over)analysis.
this list is missing someone…
…the original Mean Green Machine…
The Incredible Hulk.