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Ben Graham: Priss Conference Transcript – 9.30.08

by Bent on October 7th, 2008 at 11:27 am

Our intrepid reporter Bent was there for Ben Graham’s swan song.  I would have posted this sooner, but feeling sick and lazy kept me from doing so.  Enjoy.

Ben Graham: G’day and thanks for joinin’ me for this priss conference. Now there moight be those of ya out there thinking we’ve been ‘ere before. Well, like me Ma used to say “there are those that pass loike sheep in the noight”. I nivva really understood that one until now. Anywoy, I’m gunna make another short stitement and then you journoes can ask as many quistions as you loike. Not too many though…I’ve got a pline to catch.

So, I got another call from Coach Mandingo last noight and he told me I was cat again. “I’m cat?” I said “…again?”. And he said “no, you’re cat” and I said “that’s what I said. Cat.” Flamin’ eck. You yanks need to learn ‘ow to speak English, I thought to meself.

Seems Coach Mandingo wasn’t happy with me ‘ang toime. Fair dinkum, I thought to meself. I moight have to go back and work at my panting.

Roight…do we ‘ave any quistions from you journoes?

Beat Writer: Boomerang…

Ben Graham: Croikey, if your just going to call out Australian Stirio-toipes then I’m gitting out of here.

Beat Writer: No, no…Boomer – Chris Berman – rang…and told me that he just wanted to say “Since you’ve Ben Graham, all that is left is a band of gold.”

Ben Graham: Roight. Sorry myte. I giss he’s saying the Jits would’ve had a bitter chance at the grand foinal with me in the loine-up. I moight have to email him to say thanks – although all my emails seem to keep gitting blocked. Any more quistions?

Beat Writer: Didgeridoo…

Ben Graham: Roight, I’ve had jist about enough of this.

Beat Writer: No, no…did ya re-do your contract when you re-signed with the Jets?

Ben Graham: Oh, roight. Sorry myte. Nah, the contract was basically the same. I giss they didn’t want to pay for two panters during the boy week, so they had to decoide between Ridgey and me.

Beat Writer: Kangaroo…

Ben Graham: Wait, lit me giss. Can Gru…den lead the Tampa Bye Backs to the playoffs?

Beat Writer: No, I was just about to call you Kangaroo-brained with Koala-features.

Ben Graham: You goys have been miking fan of me this whole toime, aintcha? Roight, take that…

[Boots nearby football into the crowd, but unfortunately it hangs in the air for several seconds, enabling all of the beat writers to run safely out of the room]

Ben Graham: Foinally, I’ve cracked it. It’s a bit lyte now though. I knew Coach Mandingo should’ve given me another go. Wait a minute, who am I talking to?

[Ben trudges dejectedly out of the room, gives a forlorn look over his shoulder and then climbs over the hands and heads of an assembled crowd of people outside the room before embracing Joe Kowalewski (closest thing he could find to Linda Kozlowski) as the end credits roll]

Stay tuned…there may yet be a sequel!

4 Responses to Ben Graham: Priss Conference Transcript – 9.30.08

  1. avatar Jimbo says:
    October 7, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    This blog is great….but these things are still lame…

    Reply
  2. avatar hank/naples says:
    October 7, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Bassett:

    Great, great stuff, very funny and original. Read the first one and loved it. Wonder why Zac hasn’t picked up on it. They could star ala Lewis& Martin.

    Reply
  3. avatar Andrew G says:
    October 8, 2008 at 9:23 am

    Graham could boot the ball but, terrible hang time.

    Reply
  4. avatar Doctor K says:
    October 9, 2008 at 7:14 am

    New Engergizer! It’ll Suprise ya! – Jacko

    Reply