Only When We Win – Part III
Another Jets victory means another edition of “Only When We Win” where I try and cover the angles that nobody else is (probably because they never needed covering in the first place).
This week’s owww touches on The A-Team, “Weekend at Bernie’s” and how the Jets spent their week off, as it analyzes the Jets third win of the season and looks ahead to the Raiders game. Does that sound like something you might be interested in? If not, don’t click here to
Since the Last Time…
The Jets are on a two-game winning streak, which means that no games have been played since the last owww. However, we had exclusive bye-week access so we can report back on what some of the Jets spent their week off doing…
Vernon Gholston: Nothing.
Brett Favre: Tried to convince PETA that he was less cruel to animals than the previous quarterback, who used to actually throw ducks.
Chris Baker: Became obsessed with the baseball playoffs – having spent his summer shouting for a raise he has spent the fall shouting for the Rays.
Eric Smith: Staggered around in a confused state and fell over several times. In other words, he was working on his pass coverage techniques.
Brandon Moore: Kept getting up too early.
Kellen Clemens: Diligently refined his technique in terms of doodling a perfect spiral on his clipboard.
Eric Mangini: Went to Roger Goodell to protest the league’s bailout plans for assisting the Patriots by giving them an extra 7 wins and delaying the Superbowl until Brady recovers.
Mike Nugent: Watched film of the inside of Mrs Mangini’s womb to learn a more powerful kicking technique.
Interception Mailbag
No interceptions for the Jets this week, so no interception mailbag.
Remember, you can Get Bent at bentdouble@gmail.com
Next week: It could be you…
Weekend at Sione’s
3rd Quarter, 8:54
The Jets lead 17-14, but Brett Favre has just thrown an interception and the Bengals take over the ball at their own three yard line…
Eric Mangini: Bob, I think you should get the second string defensive line out there.
Bob Sutton: Hey! Get the second string defensive line out there!
Kenyon Coleman: Uh-oh.
Mike Devito: Uh-oh what?
Coleman: It’s Sione. He’s…dead.
Devito: He is?
Coleman: How else do you explain how badly our line gets pushed around as soon as Jenkins comes out of the game?
Pouha: *devours sandwich*
Devito: Are you sure? He seems to be moving.
Coleman: Muscle contractions are quite common during the decomposition stage. He was quite old, you know.
Devito: Oh man, we’re going to be in trouble. What if they suspect us?
Mangini: You might want to tell those linemen to get a move on, Bob.
Sutton: Hey! Linemen, get a move on!
Devito: What are we going to do? He’s dead. And you know if we don’t get him out there we’ll be running a lap on Monday. I hate running laps. He’s DEAD!
Coleman: Yeah. I know that. You know that. Nobody else knows that.
Devito: What are you saying?
Coleman: Why don’t we just pretend he didn’t die? Just for a bit!
[They each grab one of Pouha's arms and march him out to the defensive huddle just in time for the break - Pouha looks confused as they set him in his stance and await the snap]
Coleman: There you go, Sione.
[Fitzpatrick takes the snap and hands the ball off to Cedric Benson]
Coleman: He’s coming your way, Mike!
[Devito grabs Pouha and shoves him into Benson who kind of trips over him for a three yard gain]
Devito: Yeah! Alright! Way to go, Sione!
[They dust him off and carry him back to the huddle]
Pouha: You guys do realize that I’m not dead, right?
Devito: Aggghhh! Did you hear that? Spooky post-death mumblings.
Coleman: Don’t worry, it’s not uncommon for a corpse to emit a whining sound as it settles during the decomposition phase.
[They prop Pouha up again, ready for the second down and again Fitzpatrick hands off to Benson]
Devito: He’s coming at you this time, KC.
[Coleman grabs Pouha and shoves him into Benson's path and, again, Benson trips over him for a two yard gain]
Mangini: Bob, you might want to think about getting the first stringers back out there for this third down play.
Sutton: Hey, first stringers, get back out there for this third down play.
[Devito and Coleman march Pouha back off the field]
Devito: I think we got away with it.
Pouha: Look, you don’t need to do this, I’m not dead. That was like my ninth tackle of the year!
Devito: There’s that wailing sound again. And what’s that pungent stench?
[Brett Favre walks past with a bloodied carrier bag]
Coleman: Again, such odors are not uncommon in the decomposition phase.
Devito: How do you know so much about this? Are you sure it’s not just because he’s a mormon and they’re into defecation?
Coleman: That’s deification, dude.
[The Jets kick a field goal and kick the ball back to the Bengals]
Mangini: Bob, I think you should get that second string defensive line back out there for this series.
Sutton: Hey, second string defensive line. Get back out there for this series.
Devito: Uh-oh. I’ll get the voodoo ritual equipment.
Pouha: *devours another sandwich*
Football Fantasy – Part Three: The U.F.A. Team
Ten months ago, a crack command unit was contacted by a New Jersey based organization due to crimes they didn’t commit. (Crimes such as impersonating a turnstile or loitering with a lack of intent to blitz). These men, no longer wanted by the rest of the league, would become soldiers earning a fortune. If you have a problem (and sufficient cap room), if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The U.F.A. Team.
With all the focus on (our hero) Brett Favre, many league followers had been unaware that a great deal of the recent success of the Jets organization was down to a unit which the media doesn’t even realize exists. They strive to do good, with little concern for praise or recognition, although they are more than happy to reap the financial awards.
Our story begins, ironically, with a character called Mr. T (but not *that* Mr. T) who is desperate for help, so he contacts the leader of the group. Col. Alan “Fannibal” Faneca. After some negotiating, Fannibal would mutter those immortal words: “You’ve just hired the U.F.A. Team!”
Fannibal was able to bring aboard the rest of the U.F.A. Team to take on the bizarro Mr. T’s mission: The enigmatic “Paceman” (a master of disguise who, until last year, had been disguising himself as a young Bryan Thomas), the powerful B.U.B.B.A. Baracas and, ummm, Howlin’ Mad Tony Richardson.
For this mission against Cincinnati, there was an early set back, as the throwback uniforms confused Fannibal into thinking it was a road game and that B.U.B.B.A. would need to get on a plane, so he fed him a drugged burger, rendering him useless throughout. Meanwhile, there was concern that Kris Jenkins was going to blow their cover by protesting “I aint going on no plane” is his line (and that someone other than him got to eat something).
With Paceman on a recovery mission on the other side of the ball, Fannibal set up an impenetrable road block (using cabbages and signposts found in a nearby shed) to assure safe passage across the border. Howlin’ Mad Tony created a massive explosion to ensure the mission was a success. Of course, the villains were able to walk away physically unscathed, but mentally worn down.
As the clock ticked down towards zero, Damien Woody entered the scene to object to not being included on the U.F.A. Team. He had to be appeased by promises that Bent is running out of material and will almost certainly have to resort to a “Toy Story” or “Cheers” parody eventually if the Jets keep winning.
Yet, as an analogy crumbles, so does the Bengals resolve. Mr. T smiles and puffs on a Cuban cigar. “I love it when a plan comes together”.
To be continued…
6 Responses to Only When We Win – Part III
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Matt W. says:
Funny stuff, nice work.
Off topic, but it’s really nice NOT to be mentioned in this article (as opposed to last year). Also very nice that this list represents 25% of our schedule.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8673788/Chiefs-have-inside-track-on-No.-1-pick
Jets 24 Raiders 13
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The Chad says:
I’m pretty sure i’ve seen pouha devouring a sandwich or two on the sideline.
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ED says:
Bent, you must be an Entourage fan. Good stuff.
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hank/naples says:
Bent:
It was great untill the “Farve our hero”. Thats where it stopped being funny. !!!
it’s funny, that’s just how i pictured the sideline works between mangini and sutton …