Only When We Win – Part VI
This is getting ridiculous. A fifth win out of six, combined with the short week, means this week you get an early edition of “Only When We Win” – the column where I try and cover the angles that nobody else is (probably because they never needed covering in the first place).
This week’s owww touches on baseball, “Deal or No Deal” and some facts and figures from the Jets blowout over the Rams, as it analyzes the Jets sixth win of the season and looks ahead to Thursday’s clash with the Patriots. Does that sound like something you might be interested in? If not, don’t click here to
Since the Last Time…
Wow. This section is going to be really short next week if the Jets win again on Thursday. Anyway, since the last owww the Jets officially became a National League team, as they found out they will have to go for at least the next few weeks with no D.H. The Jets had been preparing for this eventuality by having an overmatched and unathletic guy flailing wildly as he struggles to make a hit, but now it looks like Eric Smith may end up on I.R. too.
Once again, Brett Favre is prepared to do whatever it takes to win, but he is now insisting on being able to wear a jacket when scrambling past the line of scrimmage and wants Brian Schottenheimer to come out onto the field and put his hand on his shoulder every time he throws an incompletion.
It looks like the Jets will probably do what most National League teams do. Lots of bunting. Oh, right, you said punting. Get ready, Reggie.
Ram-Bang Thank You Ma’am
Let’s mark the Jets record-breaking blowout of the Rams a few exclusive facts and figures:
1. The previous biggest win for the Jets was a 45-3 romp over the Houston Oilers in 1988. A previously slumping Wesley Walker caught three touchdown passes. Apparently, a young Harlan Lachman had posited that Walker should be made inactive prior to the game in a telegram to thejetsnewsletter.
2. 1988 does not sound like a long time ago, but I remember the result cheered me up because I had just been dumped by a 12 year old girl. Trust me, that’s a long time ago.
3. I wouldn’t even have seen the highlights because I had to play for the school rugby team at short notice, but my grandmother (who would now be over 100) recorded the “American Football” for me that week on a betamax video recorder and I watched it before I had to go to bed at 9:30pm. Trust me, that’s a long time ago.
4. It took the NBA Central Division champion Detroit Pistons, replete with their new signing Allen Iverson (one of the best scorers of all-time) over 32 minutes to reach forty points on Sunday. It took the Jets, coming off a 4-12 season, just 30 minutes.
Feely or no Feely?
Howie Mandel: Hello and welcome to today’s special edition of “Feely or no Feely?”. Today’s special guest contestant is Jets head coach, Eric Mangini!
Eric Mangini: Thanks Howie!
[Eric goes to shake Howie's hand, but gets a fist pound instead]
Howie Mandel: Sorry, I have OCD, I don’t do handshakes.
Eric Mangini: *Sigh* Nobody ever shakes my hand.
Howie Mandel: Here, have a milkshake instead.
Eric Mangini: Thanks! Hey, you’re not Howie Mandel, you’re Anthony Gonzalez!
Anthony Gonzalez: I’m not, I’m Howie Mandel.
Eric Mangini: Well, thanks for those two TDs against the Pats, “Howie”.
Anthony Gonzalez: Erm…anyway, shall we get started? There are 6 boxes for you to choose…
Eric Mangini: Boxes? Not briefcases?
Anthony Gonzalez: No, boxes. Trust me, it will enable me to make a good Chad Pennington joke later on.
Eric Mangini: Ooo.
Anthony Gonzalez: …and then as you eliminate the boxes, the Baker will call you to make you an offer…
Eric Mangini: The Baker? Don’t you mean the Banker?
Anthony Gonzalez: No, we found someone who was an even tougher negotiator and significantly more stingy with his money.
[The phone on the desk rings and Gonzalez hands it wordlessly to Mangini]
Eric Mangini: Hi Chris….yes, I am looking forward to negotiations…OK, I must go…bye, Chris.
[Puts down phone]
Eric Mangini: Jerk.
Anthony Gonzalez: …and then I will ask you the timeless question…”Feely or no Feely?” Got it?
Eric Mangini: I have, but you’d better hurry up because I will have forgotten it within five seconds because I have trained my memory to erase itself after five seconds.
Anthony Gonzalez: Really?
Eric Mangini: No.
Anthony Gonzalez: Right, it’s time for the first box. Let’s see what’s inside.
[Glamorous model opens the box]
Eric Mangini: There appears to be eight men inside the box.
Anthony Gonzalez: Oh, sorry, I believe that was Chad Pennington’s…see, totally worth it.
Eric Mangini: You should have just stuck with the briefcases.
Anthony Gonzalez: OK, next box.
[Glamorous model opens the box]
Eric Mangini: 0-24! Yes!
Anthony Gonzalez: Wow. Off to an amazing start.
[Phone on desk rings]
Eric Mangini: Uh-huh…yes…OK…hello? Are you still there? Hello?…Oh, you dropped the phone, did you?…you know what that means…right, yes.
[Puts down phone]
Anthony Gonzalez: So, what’s the offer?
Eric Mangini: Well, it was tough to hear, with him puffing and panting from having to run a lap of the office, but I think it was fourth down at the 32 yard line.
Anthony Gonzalez: Do I even have to ask…Feely or no Feely?
[Eric hesitates before making his answer]
Eric Mangini: Feely!
[The audience gasps]
Anthony Gonzalez: No way! Well, let’s open the next box…
[Glamorous model opens the box]
Eric Mangini: 0-27! Yes!
Anthony Gonzalez: Well, you may have dodged a bullet there. Let’s go for the next box…
[Glamorous model opens the box]
Eric Mangini: Wow! 0-37!
Anthony Gonzalez: This is getting real exciting right here. Let’s wait and see what the offer is…
[Phone on desk rings and Eric picks it up]
Eric Mangini: Hello Chris. Yes…I know it is going rather well, isn’t it? Oh.
[Puts down phone]
Anthony Gonzalez: So, what’s the offer?
Eric Mangini: I don’t know, he fell over right at the crucial moment.
[Phone rings again. Mangini answers, doesn't speak and then puts the phone down with a look of dread on his face]
Anthony Gonzalez: Well?
Eric Mangini: He’s offering me…4th down at the 38 yard line.
[The audience groans]
Anthony Gonzalez: Well I do have to ask…Feely or no Feely?
[Eric hesitates before making his answer and then smiles]
Eric Mangini: Feely!
[The audience gasps]
Anthony Gonzalez: Amazing! Well, let’s open the next box…
[Glamorous model opens the box]
Eric Mangini: 0-40! Yes!
Anthony Gonzalez: Well, now this is quite incredible. We are down to the penultimate box. Let’s see what’s inside…
[Glamorous model opens the box]
Eric Mangini: 3-47! Yes!
Anthony Gonzalez: I wonder what the Baker is thinking now…
[Phone on desk rings, Mangini answers, nods and puts down the phone]
Eric Mangini: He’s offering me first and goal with two minutes left.
Anthony Gonzalez: Oh my…you have to take that, surely. Well, it’s your decision…Feely or no Feely?
[Eric hesitates before making his answer and then laughs in a sinister manner]
Eric Mangini: No Feely! I’ll just take the 3-47.
[The audience gasps and then applauds]
Anthony Gonzalez: Right, well done Eric…I have to go to Pittsburgh now for…no particular reason.
[The scene shifts to the Kris Jenkins' parents' front room]
Mr Jenkins: Dammit, that boy is crazy. He di’nt want no tree fitty.
Mrs Jenkins: Lord, don’t he want no tree-fitty?
Mr Jenkins: He better not come to me and say he wants tree-fitty outta me, I aint got no tree-fitty.
Mrs Jenkins: Just like the loch ness monster…
Mr Jenkins: What are you talking about, woman?!?!
Fin
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Gadies and Lentlemen:
This is why you don’t abandon your schemes when you take over a new team as coach … you need those who will eventually fit and thrive in the system to stick around (Rhodes, Harris, Revis, even a Barton or Ellis), and you need to slowly replace those who don’t fit the system (like, unfortunately, Vilma & Co.).
Those who were held over from the transition period now are fully versed in the defense, and they’ve added some of the remaining chips needed to make the system work.
If Mangini played the 4-3 for the past 2 seasons while he waited for his Jenkins and Pace to arrive, they’d all be learning it right now, no?
DSmizzle, you are absolutely correct. Unfortunately, when you consider that ‘a week is a long time in Football’, two years of painful transition to a functioning 3-4 seemed like an eternity. :-)
If Free Safety is addressed in the draft or free agency, we could be a top 5 defense against the pass and run next year…who knew?