Only When We Win – Part VII
It’s time for a very special edition of “Only When We Win” – the column where I try and cover the angles that nobody else is (probably because they never needed covering in the first place).
This week, for – one week only – owww sees the revival of “Thoughts From Across the Pond”, in which I used to recap Jets games using bullet-points, in my own inimitable style and – as a bonus – find out what really happened during “that handshake”. Does that sound like something you might be interested in? If not, don’t click here to
Since the Last Time…
Since the Jets-Rams game, the Jets only had three days to get ready for their trip to New England. However, they still had time to jettison Justin Miller and bring back Ty Law, whose knowledge of the Pats’ playbook five years ago was no doubt crucial to the Jets’ gameplan. Brett Favre is pleased to have another gambler on the roster.
Theoretically, this section could be particularly long if they beat the Modern-day Titans next week, with the extra three days to prepare…or it could be really long if they start losing again, but it’s worth noting that the Jets are unbeaten since Bassett promised (threatened?) to write a column called “Only When We Lose” on the occasion of every Jets loss, after the Raiders game.
Thoughts from Across the Pond – The Triumphant Return
* It’s been a while since I recapped a game in this format. And what a game to pick, as the struggling Jets, just one game out of last place in the AFC East face off against the mighty and invincible Patriots who are leading the division.
* Great first drive ends in a Leon TD after James Ihedigbo set the tone by injuring ex-Jet special teamer Raymond Ventrone on the opening kickoff. 7-0, Jets.
* Life imitates art. This actually happened in the first (and again in the second) quarter:
Sione Pouha: *Devours Sammy Morris*
Apparently, Morris’ new nickname amongst the Pats players is “Sandwich”.
* After an exchange of field goals, Leon takes it to the house for a 17-6 lead. Brett Favre is jubilant, mainly because he gets to rest his aging body a bit longer.
* Ellis stuffs Kevin Faulk for a loss. Credit where credit’s due. Shaun Ellis is really turning into a solid 3-4 DE. I would compare him to someone like Jarvis Green right now. Especially since we could start referring to him as Shaun “Jarvis Green” Ellis, just to confuse the play-by-play announcers whenever he gets a tackle on BenJarvus Green-Ellis.
* Cotchery goes deep for his version of the helmet catch. Little known fact: Cotchery was born with six fingers on each hand, but had the additional finger removed as a child. He didn’t need any fingers to make this catch as he expertly caught the ball in his ear. I inadvertently caught a peanut in my ear once as a child. True story. We tried for ages to replicate the feat, but never came close. In other words, it was a pretty good catch by Jericho.
* Moments later, Cotch scores as he makes the catch on a quick slant, avoids the tackle by doing the matrix move and then stretches across the endzone with a Michael Jackson lean – a move he has used on the Patriots before. Unimaginatively, he caught the ball with his hands this time and it’s 24-6, although you just knew the Pats would score before halftime to make it 24-13.
* Into the second half and it’s Ben Watson with the fumble, which appears to have been forced by nobody. Or at least, somebody invisible. Hey, congratulations on the biggest play of your career, Vernon! Kerry Rhodes recovers.
* Chris Baker seems to have accepted the fact that his skills no longer justify the big-money contract he coveted during the off-season, so is instead auditioning for the and-1 mixtape tour. His wraparound on the catch in the flat, fails to fool the defender, but at least the guy with the afro and the loudspeaker running along the sideline liked it and so did the kids in the front row, who leaned all over each other going “ohhhhhh”. Admittedly it was better than Ben Watson’s attempt at a crossover dribble.
* New England pulls with 24-21 at the end of the third and early in the fourth, Cotchery falls victim to the stat curse when they show a graphic that says he has made 43 catches in a row without a drop. He then makes his next catch cleanly, only to drop it downfield for a crucial fumble. Come on NFL Network, I think we need to know how many passes Matt Cassel has thrown since his last interception!
* There has been much debate about the coaching in the game, but one decision stood out above all others. “Hey, we’ve tried everything else, why don’t we put Ahmad “Batman” Carroll, a notoriously terrible cover corner on an island covering one of the best wide receivers of all-time, who we’ve so far completely shut down?” The proliferation of sarcasm within society has a lot to answer for. Especially when there are those who still don’t recognize it, even when everyone else is laughing heartily. I just thank goodness that Justin Miller wasn’t still on the roster and Drew Coleman was inactive, because otherwise they would surely have been the punchlines for this obvious joke. Ironically, it worked out rather well for the Jets, as Matt Cassel may have put up big numbers, but still never managed to prove he can throw deep – and Carroll got beaten so badly, he wasn’t able to do what he usually does and commit pass interference. Perhaps they should have used Batman (or should it be “Baitman”?) to incite Cassel into throwing more terribly inaccurate bombs.
* The Pats had to settle for the tying field goal and I don’t know why, but I felt more confident when the game was tied than when the Jets were trailing. I couldn’t enjoy a 24-6 lead because all I could think was “fake spike fake spike fake spike fake spike…” Once Thomas Jones scored, it was obvious the Jets would win because 15 game my-team-always-wins-when-I-score streaks are sacred.
* It did feel good to know that although Pats fans were cheering after Dwight Lowery dropped the potentially clinching interception, many of them would have felt their heart sink as it reminded them of when the same thing happened to Asante Samuel in the “Perfect Superbowl”.
* Bob Sutton tells his defense all they have to do is keep the Patriots out of the endzone for the next minute and then they’ll win. So they do, but unfortunately he told them this with one minute and four seconds to go, so there’s still one tick on the clock when Moss makes his annoyingly clutch catch.
* But the Jets win the toss, drive down the field thanks to Favre and Keller (and Coles) and the kick is good (barely), so they triumphantly exorcise their demons and break a three game regular season losing streak against the Pats that somehow seems like it has endured for decades. Plus, I can finally go to bed!
* After Randy Moss told Brett Favre to “throw a pick” during the coin toss ceremony at the beginning of overtime, Favre told reporters he couldn’t find him at the end of the game. I have it on good authority that he was going to flick a guitar plectrum in Randy’s eye.
* The officiating was a bit baffling at times. I was hoping for a ten second run-off on the false start penalty with 23 seconds to go, but I gather that since the clock had stopped at the time, no run-off is necessary (although I am sure they erroneously did do this in one game shortly after the rules were first introduced). Then, on the last play, they decided to “put away their whistles” and overlook an illegal contact penalty on Ty Law and a push off on Randy Moss. Fair enough, I thought initially, but on reflection, off-setting penalties would have negated the TD (although the Pats still would have had a shot at the endzone, even if the time had expired – one second remained). The most confusing of all was the illegal touching penalty on Kelley Washington tried and failed to down a punt at the goalline. They called illegal touching on number 15 of the receiving team – Wallace Wright, who was nowhere near the play. Obviously, the official just got his receiving and kicking teams mixed up, but for a minute I was thinking they had off-setting penalties that were actually both against the Pats!
* On the whole, credit goes to the refs for calling it down the middle (the NFL Network postgame crew agreed that the much-protested Vrabel hold on Keller WAS a hold – hey, whaddayaknow Pats fans…after all this time you learnt that you can’t put an open receiver in a sleeper hold just as he’s about to make his break to the ball) and this can’t have been easy in the face of some significant pressure – did Matt Cassel have to grab his jersey and yell at the refs EVERY time he threw a pass way too far to the outside for his receiver to get because he was clearly scared of what Bill Belichick would do to him if he threw an interception?
* After the game, I didn’t get to bed until after 5am. By then I was flagging badly. A bit like Ed Hochuli. What a terrible joke.
The Handshake – Part VII
After all the debate, and after nobody ever thought it could live up to the other classic installments in the series, such as the “wet fish handshake of doom”, the “Beli-to-Belly Suplex” and the “Overtly Hetrosexual Man-Hug” I can exclusively reveal what happened on “The Handshake VII”.
Eric Mangini: Hey, great game Bill…
Bill Belichick: *shakes Eric’s hand and goes to walk away*
[Eric pulls Belichick back towards him]
Eric Mangini: I mean, Bill, I thought we’d blown it there at the end when our cornerback dropped that surefire interception. Isn’t it terrible when that happens, Bill?
[Bill breaks free and heads for the locker room]
Eric Mangini: (turning to one of his assistant coaches) Bill, was never really one for physical contact.
[Eric hauls him back over with the handle of a walking stick, such as you might find hauling a terrible cabaret act off stage in a theater]
Eric Mangini: Oh, and Bill, have you ever seen a catch like that one by Cotchery in the second quarter. I mean, Bill, the guy practically caught it with his head, Bill. Oh, right, Bill, of course, you have seen something like that before. Sorry, Bill.
[Bill breaks away again, but this time Mangini throws a lasso over him and hauls him back within earshot]
Eric Mangini: I can’t let you go without mentioning one more thing, Bill. Do you have any advice for us next week? We play the Titans, Bill. They’re unbeaten, Bill. I don’t think I can see anyone beating them, Bill. I can’t remember the last time I saw a team this dominant, Bill.
[Bill breaks free again, but this time, Eric throws a spear into Belichick's chest and yells "GET OVER HERE" like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat as he drags him back over]
Eric Mangini: One last thing, Bill. Your fly is open. Ha ha, not really, Bill. Made you look, Bill.
[Belichick's coaches and players shepherd him away to the locker room]
Five hours later:
[A bleary eyed Belichick answers his phone]
Bill Belichick: Who the hell is this? It’s five in the morning!
Eric Mangini: Hi, Bill.
Bill Belichick: Look here, runt, I have heard just about enough from you and your pathetic team. If you ever call me again I’ll…I’ll…
Eric Mangini: Relax, Bill. This is the last thing, I promise.
Bill Belichick: WHAT?
Eric Mangini: Scoreboard, Bill.
Fin
7 Responses to Only When We Win – Part VII
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JustAGreenGuy says:
Great handshake report. They cut off the NFL network showing right at the scorpion attack by Mangini.
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Mad Dog Mo says:
Scoreboard
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Ste says:
brilliant
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DCMike says:
That was wonderful guys. Keep up the good work
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ganggreen4ever says:
hahah i like the handshake thing it was funny. But am I the only one who thinks its complete bs on that illegal touch called on calvin pace on what was i think there last touchdown of the game. It wasn’t even close.
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mcteague says:
im in tears over handshake bit. brilliant, bent.
Hilarious