At long last, it’s time for another edition of “Only When We Win” – the column where I try and cover the angles that nobody else is (probably because they never needed covering in the first place).

This week’s owww touches on Star Wars, South Park and “Big Cat Diary” amongst other things. Does that sound like something you might be interested in? If not, don’t click here to

Since the Last Time…

The Jets suffered two rough defeats since I was last here, including one against Broncos, which was… *waits while “injured” Bronco limps off the field* …particularly frustrating, especially since…*waits while another “injured” Bronco is helped off the field by the suddenly rejuvanted first guy*…the weather conditions were so bad and…*waits while Broncos team doctor examines another Bronco’s hangnail*…the Jets were never able to get into a…*waits while Mike Shananan lends his challenge flag to another Bronco who is “crying” so he can use it as a tissue*…rhythm. Aaaaarrrggghhh!!!!

Anyway…those crazy kids from Colorado ain’t got nothing on our guys…

Chef: Hello Children!

Kyle: Hey Chef! What’s for lunch?

Chef: Truffle Oil and Egg White Omlettes for everybody!

Kellen Clemens: *mumbles incoherently then drops dead*

Stan: Oh my god…they killed Kellen. You ba…well, actually this probably isn’t going to make a whole lot of difference.

Eric Bartman: Screw you guys, I’m going to leave this tight end wide open over the middle.

[Meanwhile, in the Principal's office]

Mr Mackey: Now, you see Brett…interceptions are bad. Mmm-kay.

Brett Favre: Wait a minute. Kyle Mackey? I forgot you existed. You sucked, I’m not going to listen to you. *Throws the ball to Dre Bly*

Brett Ratliff: You know, I’ve learned something today…

Bob Sutton/Brian Schottenheimer (in unison): We haven’t. Watch us prove it in San Francisco.

Big Katt Diary

Here’s what went through Shaun Ellis’ mind as he scored the winning touchdown against the Bills…

Oh man, it looks like the Bills are going to drive for an insurance score here. Let’s see – the line is pretty spaced out, so I reckon they’re going to call a draw play. Jeez…this is a blow to our playoff hopes…and to think we came into this game on a high.

Wow, Jauron has called a pass play. What a dope! Hey, where did Abe come from – it looked like he appeared out of nowhere in a puff of smoke! The ball’s loose!

Oh no! Bryan made a terrible hash of that. Now it looks like it’s going to roll up to me. Ugh, I can’t bend down that far, I have chronic back pain.

Ooh! I’ve got it! I just need to shift into another gear and then I can toke, ummm I mean take it down the sideline for the score.

Yes! Touchdown Green! Man that was exciting. I think I weed my pants a little. Thank goodness I have put all that drug business behind me.

Football Fantasy Part VII: Attack of the Clowneys

A short time ago, in a stadium quite nearby actually…

[Dramatic orchestral music]

There is unrest amongst the Jets fanbase. Several fair-weather fans have declared their intentions to leave the Jets fanbase and root for the Giants instead.

Behind the scenes, Senator Mike Tannenbaum, is coming under increasing pressure to create a new army to assist the overwhelmed Jets…

[A malfunctioning Brad Smith staggers about and then falls over]

Brett Favre: What a piece of junk!

Mike Tannenbaum: It’s OK, I have secretly created an army of Clowneys.

Brett Favre: How many units do you currently have available?

Mike Tannenbaum: Ummm. One.

Brett Favre: This will have to do.

[Atmospheric fade]

[David Clowney arrives]

David Clowney: I am ready to face the trials.

Brett Favre: Patience my young apprentice.

David Clowney: It’s not fair! It’s master Schottenheimer’s fault! He’s holding me back!

Brett Favre: I…am your Favre.

David Clowney: I know.

Brett Favre: I see you have learned to catch one-handed. Your skills are complete.

[Clowney makes one handed catch downfield and celebrates wildly with his teammates]

Brett Favre: Great kid. Don’t get cocky!

[Clowney is told to sit on the bench for the rest of the game]

[Atmospheric fade]

[Favre drops back to pass]

Echoey voice of Brian Schottenheimer over Favre’s helmet radio: Use the fource, Brett.

Eric Mangini: I have a bad feeling about this…

Bill Belichick (watching on TV): Yesss…Good. Release the ill-advised bomb.

[Brett underthrows the receiver by ten yards and is picked off]

Brett Favre: That wasn’t the receiver I was looking for.

Brian Schottenheimer: He was our last hope.

Eric Mangini: No…there is another!

[Atmospheric fade]

Eric Smith: Sir, the odds of successfully coming from behind and winning a game with a last minute defensive touchdown are approximately 227 million to one.

Bob Sutton: Never tell me the odds.

Eric Smith: I don’t know why I bother.

Bob Sutton: Help me, Abram Elam. You’re my only hope.

[Abram Elam appears]

Abram Elam: I’m Abram Elam and I’m here to rescue you.

Bob Sutton: Execute Order 27.

Abram Elam: ???

Bob Sutton: Weakside blitz…

Abram Elam: Never! I will never go to the weakside.

Bob Sutton: Then the Bills have already won.

[Atmospheric fade]

[Kris Jenkins strolls over to the Bills sideline and talks to Dick Jauron]

Kris Jenkins: You will call a pass play.

Dick Jauron: I will call a pass play.

Kris Jenkins: Move along.

Dick Jauron: Move along.

J P Losman: You weak minded fool!

[Elam blindsides Losman and knocks the ball away]

J P Losman: It’s not my fault!

[Shaun Ellis picks up the ball and rumbles in for the touchdown]

Brett Favre: *holds helmet and sinks to his knees* Noooooooooo!

David Clowney: Ummm, dude. That was a *good* thing.

Abram Elam: Now let’s *not* blow this thing and go home!

[Atmospheric fade]

Brian Schottenheimer: Master, I fear it would not have been a victory without the Clowney army.

Eric Mangini: Victory? Victory, you say? Not victory. The shroud of December has fallen. Begun the playoff run-in has.

[Roll end credits]

To be continued…

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