In a world exclusive, thejetsblog.com has exclusively obtained an exclusive copy of secret audio from Brian Schottenheimer’s interview for the New York Jets Head Coaching position on Saturday*.

* May not be genuine.

For the exclusive transcript, click here to

Scene: Woody Johnson’s Office. At 3:00pm sharp, there is a knock at the door.

[Mike Tannenbaum goes to answer the door and beckons Brian Schottenheimer into the room]

Mike Tannenbaum: Hello, Brian, right on time! Of course you know Woody…

[Woody and Schott shake hands]

Mike Tannenbaum: Aren’t you going to sit down, Sir?

Woody Johnson: Robert Wood Johnson IV didn’t get where he is today by sitting down.

Mike Tannenbaum: Yes. Of course, Sir.

[Mike looks over his clipboard]

Mike Tannenbaum: Right, let’s start with the formalities. Please state your name for the record.

Brian Schottenheimer: Brian Schottenheimer.

[Woody eyes Schott up and down]

Woody Johnson: Schottenheimer, eh? Look at this fine young fellow of a man, Tanners. I like the cut of his jib.

Mike Tannenbaum: So, what makes you think you are the best candidate to be the next head coach of this fine organization?

Brian Schottenheimer: Yes, my wife’s fine, thank you. We are hoping to take a trip to Florida for a few days at the end of the month.

Mike Tannenbaum: Huh? Brian, that was a question about coaching the Jets next year.

Brian Schottenheimer: Hahahahahaha. Yes, that’s true, but then I suppose we’ll certainly save some money on the catering bill, isn’t that right, Mr. Johnson?

Woody Johnson: I couldn’t agree more.

Mike Tannenbaum: What’s going on? I’m trying to talk about the Jets and all you seem interested in is your family and the staff canteen!

Brian Schottenheimer: Yes, that’s true. I am very excited about the opportunity and look forward to working closely with both of you.

Mike Tannenbaum: Ummm…okay. So, have you any thoughts as to who you might look to include on your staff, should you get the job?

Brian Schottenheimer: Well, that’s the $64,000 dollar question, isn’t it. I mean, Brett played quite well through the first 10 games or so, but I’m sure he was hurt worst than he let on. It will all depend on the cap implications but then that’s your area, Mike! Wouldn’t you agree, Mr Johnson?

Woody Johnson: Oh, absolutely. That’s Mike’s area!

Mike Tannenbaum: Wait a minute! Brian, have you come in here with scripted answers to the questions you anticipated getting and now you’re going to persist with those answers no matter what the question?

Brian Schottenheimer: Callahan, definitely. We have to keep him as offensive co-ordinator. I like a lot of our staff: Cox, Raye, O’Dea and so on. I think we could do with some younger blood on the defensive side though, if you know what I mean.

Woody Johnson: I most certainly do.

Mike Tannenbaum: You have, haven’t you? You’ve just scripted your first set of answers.

Brian Schottenheimer: I don’t know. Personally I think the draft should be a joint process between the general manager and the head coach. To be honest, I didn’t have a problem with how the last few drafts were handled by Eric and yourself.

Mike Tannenbaum: OK, this is all well and good, but what are you going to do when you run out of scripted answers?

Brian Schottenheimer: Brian Schottenheimer.

Mike Tannenbaum: So…you’re just going to return back to one of the previous responses that didn’t really help?

Brian Schottenheimer: Brian Schottenheimer.

Mike Tannenbaum: …and keep persisting with it, even though it clearly isn’t working?

Brian Schottenheimer: Brian Schottenheimer.

Mike Tannenbaum: Looks like I’ve got you sussed, Brian.

Brian Schottenheimer: Brian Schottenheimer.

Mike Tannenbaum: Aren’t you going to make any adjustments?

Brian Schottenheimer: Branshiner.

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, now that wasn’t really an adjustment, you just did exactly the same but rushed it horribly.

Brian Schottenheimer: Byron Snoopymama.

Mike Tannenbaum: That was just the same thing again, only really badly executed!

Brian Schottenheimer: Schott Brianheimeren.

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, Brian, that was essentially the same response, just with a slightly different word formation.

Brian Schottenheimer: Brian Scalabrine.

Mike Tannenbaum: And that was just a minor adjustment which made little sense and no difference whatsoever. Look, Brian, seriously, you really aren’t helping your cause here. Shall we start again?

Brian Schottenheimer: OK. Sorry.

Mike Tannenbaum: Right. Please state your name for the record.

Brian Schottenheimer: Vince Lombardi.

Mike Tannenbaum: Now you’re just overthinking.

Woody Johnson: I think I’ve heard enough.

Mike Tannenbaum: OK, you heard him. Sorry, Brian. We’ll, ummm, let you know.

[Mike beckons Schott out of the room]

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, that didn’t go too well, did it, Sir?

Woody Johnson: What are you talking about? I’d say he’s our leading candidate.

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, he IS the only person we’ve interviewed so far.

[Woody accidentally sends a text message to Laveranues Coles, telling him that Schott is the #1 candidate]

Woody Johnson: Agh! Why do I keep that guy’s number on my phone. That’ll be all over the press tomorrow. Infernal contraption!

[Outside the room, Brett Favre removes his Brian Schottenheimer mask]

 

Brett Favre: Mwuh-ha-ha! Only one person gon’ be runnin’ this team next year…

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