Hey gang! That’s right, like Reggie Hodges, I’m back yet again (at Bassett’s request), here to break up the summer blahs with one of my patented Thursday Top 10s.

On the eve of the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11’s landing on the moon – which some conspiracy theorists contend never happened – I thought I might take a look at some of the most famous conspiracy theories surrounding the Jets. (Especially since there ain’t much of anything else going on in the next few weeks.)

So adjust your tin foil hats, make sure the bunker is stocked and let’s have some fun with …

R in CT’s Top 10 Jets Conspiracy Theories

10. Led by the nefarious Hooded Claw, the Bilder-chick Group – aimed at global and NFL domination — has placed its Patriot agents into every American business entity, including GNC, and as such, was able to slip Calvin Pace a tainted nutritional supplement.

9. The sports media is run by a single, powerful entity who controls all the information and runs every sports news outlet, including ESPN, Pro Football Talk, The Sporting News, Sports Illustrated and Dead Spin, as well as the local New York tabloids – and thus, in reality, Mike Florio, Peter King, Len Pasquarelli, Vic Carucci, Rich Cimini, Dave Hutchinson and all the others are commanded by one shadowy, Jet-hating overlord, a twisted individual who employs every fiber of their being to keep as much negative light on the Jets as possible. And that person is …

…. Bea Arthur!!!

Hah! And dont’ try to sell me on that “She’s dead!” dribble. If I had a dime for every evil super genius that has faked their death … I can practically hear her nefarious guffaw now as she rubs her palms together. “Mwuh-huh-huh …”

You’re not fooling me, Bea. I know your endgame … I also know she runs the Canton Cabal, who has been working for decades to keep Joe Klecko and Winston Hill out of the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

8. If you repeatedly watch the film of the infamous Dan Marino fake spike, you’ll realize that although the attention was on him, there was a lot of movement on the artificially grassy knoll of The Meadowlands. As a matter of fact, you’ll notice there was a second receiver on the field — some say it was Russian agent Irving Fryar, others say it was Cuban defector O.J. McDuffie, others still claim it was mob hitman Bernie Parmalee. But all eyes were on Mark Ingram as he ran into the back of the end zone, and to the right. Back, and to the right. Back, and to the right…

7. The Jets have no stadium of their own as they are waiting for the return of the space aliens who directed the ancient Druids in building Stonehenge to do it. Expect a round stadium with lots of giant blocks where the sun will shine directly through the goal posts and on the 50 yard line during sunrise on the first day of the season.

6. Global warming is a direct result of all the hot air coming from Bart Scott and Rex Ryan in the form of endless smack talk. That, and the copious amounts of hair spray used by the Flight Crew. Wait, did I say “copious” and “Flight Crew”? I meant “gratuitous” and “Flight Crew.” Here ya’ go!

5. Leon Washington is a direct product of the supersecret Jets cloning program — back-engineered from the UFO that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947, of course — where they have taken the speed of Wesley Walker, the elusiveness of Freeman McNeil, the big-play ability of Don Maynard and the blue-collar work ethic of Curtis Martin, and blended it all into one green-clad uberplayer.

4. When the Jets fired Sonny Werblin prior to the 1968 season, “The Curse of Sonny Werblin” didn’t affect the actual team but the punter position; consequently, the Jets have gone through punters like Spinal Tap has gone through drummers, each one meeting a more ignominious demise. Steve O’Neal was eaten by a yeti during an ascent of Mt. Everest. Duane Carrell fell into a vat of Billy Beer and drank himself to death. Chuck Ramsey was abducted by scientologists and sacrificed into a volcano. John Prokop disappeared backstage during a Kajagoogoo concert and was never seen again. Dan Stryzinski blew out both ACLs while signing his last name on the chest of a Hooters waitress in Tallahassee. Toby Gowin spontaneously combusted during training camp. And the list goes on …

3. Vernon Gholston was a participant in the Florham Park Experiment last season, where a team of scientists attempted to turn him invisible to better help him elude blockers. Unfortunately, as we all saw — or not — the process worked a bit too well.

2. Joe Namath sold his soul to the Devil to win Super Bowl III, and obviously, Satan has collected on the bargain by damning old #12 to a long post-spotlight life of playing golf, appearing at charity events and youth football camps, and being forever worshiped by Jets fans. The horror! The horror!

1. “And even if the Jets win, if the Jets win, HAH! Even if the Jets win! Even if they play so far above their heads that their noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at the Jets’ side of the field; even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for them to win … it just wouldn’t matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Camp Mohawk because they’ve got all the money! It just doesn’t matter if they win or we lose. IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER…”

Annnd … speaking of summer camp, hopefully I will see a few of you up in Cortland in a few weeks — I’ll be the guy who looks nothing like Mel Gibson (or Julia Roberts), snapping photos for this blog.

P.S. If you enjoy a little conspiracy, as well as anything unusual, odd or weird, feel free to stop by my site, Damned Connecticut, which Bassett is always kind enough to let me pimp out here.

Filed under: Opinion/R in CT